staysafeSWEETHEART

the real h e a r t b r e a k e r

2009-03-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

please do not say you love me, regardless of what it really meant when the words came out of your mouth. you know how i feel about you and i still cannot believe that you still treat me the way you do. does your girlfriend get you off the same way i did? as good? as long? as nice?....i didn't think so. i know i will never be nothing but a mistress of sorts to you. you say you like this tension, but i don't think understand how much i hate it. as much as i get aroused by these games, i can't bear to think what would come if she found out. still no one ever tells her, no one ever tells any of them. it's as if they all expect us to be together. when you opt out of getting a ride home, no one says a word as you put your arm around instead. and surprisingly, i have still yet to see her face.

but don't worry. i know some things can never be. just please don't say you love me, regardless of what it really meant when it came out of your mouth because i know i will never be nothing but a mistress of sorts to you.

.....

2009-03-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

I S L I P P E D U P

:::one:::.

2009-03-17T03:24:00.000-07:00

m e m o i r s o f a b u r n h o u s e

a r e m e m b e r e d t r u t h

o f s o r t s

part one

I was sitting in that hideous cream stale room, thinking I could not believe the words that were about to escape my mouth. exaggerated tears were starting to reach the top of my shirt, when I finally told her that I needed to go into an in-patient program. this bitch just couldn’t hack it.

out-patient proved to be entirely fruitless for me and only empowered my aversion towards AA meetings and my affinity for taking the inside pain, anger, regret…however you want to fucking label it, and forcing them out my skin in the form of systematic self-induced wounds. if some are boozing, then they best start bruising. such a tasteless notion, but grossly, it was I seemed to always adhere to without any recognition.

that was the first significant step in regards to me entering the S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives treatment program in Denton, TX. the only psych program designed to specifically treat self-injury in the whole fucking county. and yes. I was completely scared. shitless.

n i g h t t e r r o r

2009-03-17T01:50:00.000-07:00

why won't i sleep? i almost like to push myself to see how far i can for go sleep. i wish i had someone to cuddle with. i hate that other people are inevitable. every just for touch.

whywhy

2009-03-17T00:35:00.000-07:00

i did it again. and i don't even really know why. i went and looked at apts today then this anxiety came over me as soon as i got off the phone with my dad. i think the diet pills i popped two days ago. like i can still feel them. i definitely don't do coke anymore for a good reason. thank god for that.

i feel like i'm slowly sliding back into a mood again. i'm sad and i'm tired. i did it in so many different places now. just random. i like to look at things in asymmetry maybe. i think i'm dried up on the systematics maybe. there certain spots on my body that don't feel the same when i do it now. when i take it out on my hips, it kinds tingles...make my fucking leg twitch even. it doesn't hurt really...i might have lost it. the feeling that i get from doing it. in a way, this should be good...textbook good at least. why keep doing something that doesn't fucking make you feel better. i'll be the first one to admit that i'm hedonistic.

i miss it i guess. and i hate that i do. i don't want to need it anymore and right now i really wish i could have it back.

My Oh My...Day ONE

2009-02-23T03:10:00.000-08:00

IT'S OFFICIAL LADIES AND GENTLEMAN...

I've decided that I cannot do this to myself anymore. It's not fair to myself. It's not fair to the people that I love because the person I have become is one to be proud of. I need to change my life and I plan on chronically it all right here. No graphic gruesome stories, no disturbing, triggering, war-proud pictures, no tips on how to heal/cover/lie about your scars (even though I know every fucking trick in that book AKA the lamest book ever written). FUCK THAT- seriously FUCK ALL OF THAT.

Straight up. I need to change and you're more than welcome to read about it, comment on it, take what may from it.

MUCH LOVE.