whywhy

i did it again. and i don't even really know why. i went and looked at apts today then this anxiety came over me as soon as i got off the phone with my dad. i think the diet pills i popped two days ago. like i can still feel them. i definitely don't do coke anymore for a good reason. thank god for that.

i feel like i'm slowly sliding back into a mood again. i'm sad and i'm tired. i did it in so many different places now. just random. i like to look at things in asymmetry maybe. i think i'm dried up on the systematics maybe. there certain spots on my body that don't feel the same when i do it now. when i take it out on my hips, it kinds tingles...make my fucking leg twitch even. it doesn't hurt really...i might have lost it. the feeling that i get from doing it. in a way, this should be good...textbook good at least. why keep doing something that doesn't fucking make you feel better. i'll be the first one to admit that i'm hedonistic. 

i miss it i guess. and i hate that i do. i don't want to need it anymore and right now i really wish i could have it back.